I have been staying in Cape Town, South Africa now for about 3 years. I have been clothing, feeding, driving myself, working and been going to college for 3 years straight now – without a proper holiday anywhere in-between.
I am tired.
There is no point in telling myself the everlasting lie that “I am fine.” I’m not.
I have come to a point where I sit on the floor of my room, looking at my work uniform – hoping that it would magically and by some strange enchantment disappear into thin air. It doesn’t – and by this time I am already late and have to scramble to get to work, only to arrive exhausted and out of breath, to go home after work, to fall asleep, to wake up tired and to reluctantly get onto that strange rollercoaster once again.
One does tire of it.
And when I think back – when I used to imagine taking care of myself, paying my own way, doing what my heart desired and never having to answer to someone – it’s so different. Not that I didn’t think it would be any different – this is a fact I have long made peace with – nothing is ever as you imagine it. That’s one of the basic rules of life.
But, I guess that I always felt as if I was some sort of exception to that rule.
I thought I was the ‘chosen child’ – the one whose life will be different than the average, the mediocre. Forgive me if I sound at all vain – but I thought I was a unique individual whose life would be one that others are jealous of.
It’s not.
And that’s because I’m not the exception to the rule.
Nobody really is.
Then why is it that I often will find myself elevating myself to such higher pedestals? Is it because I am an idealistic (see last blog) hopeless romantic who believes that life is about lazy Sunday afternoons, long walks on the beach, wine with friends and long conversations about life?
Is it because I have created in my mind this idea that life is easy?
Because I was wrong. It’s not – and as special as I thought I was – I’m really not.
Life is hard, it’s challenging, it’s exhausting and I have very often asked the question: why me?
This whole notion of being a part of the masses has been something that has been plaguing me for some time now, since I’ve devoted my entire life to standing out.
I have been feeling frustrated with the whole idea for a couple of weeks now until something incredible happened.
I was invited to a fund-raiser for Breast Cancer in SA – I was invited to sing – and a woman (who had survived breast cancer) got up to make her speech. That day, something she said struck me as profound. Life-changing, even.
She explained how she had often, during her treatments asked God: “why me?” until she got the answer one day: “why not you?”
This struck me like a bolt of lighting and suddenly the rusty gears in my head started slowly turning again.
Why is it that I feel that life should be an exception to me – when it’s not like that for everyone else?
Life may not offer every one the same problems, some differ, but we all have them at some point.
And maybe it’s this that makes us human? The fact that life is never kind.
I’ve accepted that – I think – I don’t know.
Since that day – with that speech – and that woman’s words, I’ve began looking at things differently.
I would be lying if I said that I am suddenly “loving my life and loving all the trials and tribulations” and “being grateful for the things that happen to me.”
But I have stopped asking: why me?
Baby steps, people.
And I’ve stopped believing that I should be an exception to the rule. Rather now, I have started to believe that if I wanted my life to be exception(al), I was going to have to just live through this for now. It takes a rough diamond to shape a smooth one, or something like that, right?
So - tonight I will climb into bed and think on all those young people out there who still have to learn all of this – and I will be glad that I have been fortunate that life has been a fair teacher so far. I will think of the life that I dream to have and I will start making choices that will ultimately get me that life. And I will be glad for the lessons I have learned up until now.
And, to some extent, I will be glad that I am not the exception to the rule.
